You would find a lot of jokes when talking about machismo and the way Latinos raise their children, specially their girls.
To you its novelty, to you Lejuan James is an icon and to me its he is the normality of reality I can’t escape.  Ofcourse, you won’t understand it because you do not inhabit this body, you do not share these features, do not have an ass this big, do not have hair this wild.
A mixie, that is way too light skin to empathize with the struggle of darker skinned blacks but with features and hair way too bold to ever benefit from white privilege or even be welcomed into their space.

 

I often hear people say, that children from other countries mature earlier than
children do on this island. That a 16 year old in Colombia lets say, is never what a 16 year old is here. Aruba, know for its beautiful beaches and its commodity, and the aching reality that people have not seen enough struggle to possibly begin to even consider third world countries as places who birth human beings with feelings.

but, my name is Yakari Gabriel. and I’m a real human being, with real feelings, even when your xenophobia tries to convince you other wise.
I am a misplaced Latina who expresses herself better in languages that do not belong to me. at 21, I have 4 languages wrestling themselves in my brain
and a struggle to comprehend structure and status quo. yet I have no land, not 1 out of the 4. I can’t claim nothing, and that makes me nothing. I write because it gives me time to think about what I truly want to say. If you know Dominicans, you’d know que tenemos un flow de pinga y hablamos muy rapido.

I belong no where, because i left the homeland and I also  resent its patriarchal culture and my type of beautiful is questionable to many. but I guess that’s okay. I am just one of the thousands of Afro-Latinas who feel the same way, because our representation is none to minimum in the media. to some we do not exist. but no, not all Latinas look like they have European blood though we are only loved when we look like it. not all of us do, we come in all shades, sizes and colors and not all of us fit the Latina stereotype.

Sometimes I think, that people do not view us as more than places
where men come to cum, because growing up this is all that we are taught.
Most Latinos raise their girls with no secrets, there are no Disney world stories in Latin countries, the prince charming comes, but he comes to fuck you up and chain you down. we know before we even menstruate that men are dogs, that they lie and cheat and find us disposable. So the goal is not to be loved, but at the very least become the woman he chooses to go to at night, wakes up besides. even if he slept with the whole city during the day. become more than the cum box,  to be the wife, the one inside his house,  the mother of his kids. that is the  highest compliment. emphasize on the word his. Cause that’s all there is for women, belonging to men is all we fucking have even when they won’t love you.

In my country women feed villages with their bare hands. they do not sit down ever, they are houses to be cleaned, food to be made, and children and men to be fed. we do not rest, ever. For us, gentleness is non existent.
for us, love only exist between women and child. women and village. women and labor.

I am not playing hard to get, when people come around with loving words. it creeps me out.  I am not being mean when I say I don’t want no man to hold me. I am not being a bitch. I’m just protecting myself from being all labor and no woman. I have no concrete answers on why I feel this way, on why love actually terrifies me, no matter in which way it comes. But I can tell you this. much. sometimes, it feels this way because when you”re an immigrant, when you’re a Latina  with no representation. your nationality becomes an insult in the mouth of many and you no longer know who means it. it feels this way because all I know is women who have trouble sleeping and I love my sleep and I don’t want to give it up. it feels this way because growing up Latina means growing up being guarded. it means knowing that everyone who looks better than you is a possible colonizer ready to take your resources. to occupy your space because you’re not visible anyways.

we know everything but love, because often, growing up
we are everything but loved.

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