I don’t really know where my writing is going, although I do know where I would love it to go.
So, let’s close our eyes and pretend this spilling of feelings is just one step closer to getting it there. Pretend I am organized and I have a plan. focused. taking aim. I’ve been in Holland for a little over six months and I am not yearning for home. I am at peace, I am in love with my career choice. I also think I might, be in love love, if you know what i mean?
but I will save that story for another day.
Let’s talk about healing shall we? Because I for one, am absolutely convinced that I have been healing. From the inside out, I have been feeling better. Like coming home to a person I always knew I could eventually be. I don’t really know how healing happens, so don’t ask me no questions because as a poet, all i might have for you are pretty complicated answers.
Sabotaging myself for the longest, alone in my room I would make up reasons on why good things would never happen to me. It seems so far back. Nowadays, I can’t imagine talking about myself in a negative light. The other day in class, the teacher made us introduce ourselves and then give the introduction to someone else by giving them a compliment. A girl said ; “I am giving it to Yakari, because she is confident”. Yes, that’s exactly what she said.
I don’t know whether she meant it or not, but truth is she could have mentioned anything else
and still chose that word. She said it loud and clear “confident”. That very day I went home I wondered how the hell did i get there? how did I do it? when did I master to not let people know that I too. am insecure of a lot of things? (did you peek how this write started).
I’m a beautiful mess I tell you, but I do want to admit that my teacher once told me this. almost 6 years ago. We sat in her car and we spoke about how sadness is temporary, about how we need to forgive ourselves and be grateful to life for the good things. She said: “Yakari, you need to live life believing that the worst is already over, that from now on things can only get better.
Even if it is hard now, before you know it you will be out of your mother’s house taking your
own decisions but you have to hold on”. Of course no depressed 15 year old would believe that,
specially not when it came from a successful, beautiful, woman that seemed to have it all together already. But the funny thing was, that my teacher was me once, she was talking out of experience. Out of a place of knowing that if you just give life a chance and work towards your goals, eventually they’ll be no choice but to get them.
I am 22 now, and I am indeed (amidst all insecurity) like that one girl said “confident”. Confident that we can choose our paths in life no matter where we are at. Confident that I am not my mother, nor my father, nor a trace they left behind. More so, I am what I choose to be. The kids in class don’t get it, and truth is they do not have to.
The red lipstick, the always happy, always dancing, always singing a damn song child, is just the light of my soul making itself visible to the world. To me healing came as easy as just choosing for it. As turning negative thoughts away, fighting every bad one with a good one.
As easy as having a bad day and whispering to myself “From now on it can only get better”.
I am young, I am in debt, everything I have eventually I’ll have to pay back.
Yet, my dreams and my spirit are mine just like your dreams and your spirits are yours.
So choose for them my love, be confident, hold on, cause no one can take away what’s inside of you. Healing takes time, but sometimes it arrives in the middle of the night, as a fire in the middle of your belly, knocking endlessly…and amidst your drowsiness and sleepiness, you just have to wake up and open the doors.